I’ve been thinking a lot about what transformation means lately, how you actually feels after the storm has ripped through your life.And to be honest, I don’t think any of us give ourselves enough grace.
A couple months ago I listened to a friend, on the 6 month anniversary of her home and business burning down, tell me that she thought she should be doing more because she was so “behind”. How she never thought it would be so hard to get back on her feet.
I was in shock. This woman lost her dream home, her dream business that she started from scratch and was really starting to take off. What should could she have possibly be thinking?
And don’t even get me started on how new moms think they need to bounce back.
But then I realized I was guilty of this same self-deprecating line of thinking. I had years work of work stolen from me, had a baby, and have moved 5 times (to 3 different countries) all in the last 2 1/2 years and I still have some wild idea of how my writing career *should* look by now.
We don’t do ourselves any favors when we think like this. And we don’t do any favors for the people who would benefit from our words, or art, or services either.
So why do we do it? Even if we aren’t comparing ourselves to others (which is insanely hard not to do), we’re comparing ourselves to other versions of ourselves.
If that motivates you, rock on. It makes me feel like crap. But I still do it.
Our minds are insanely powerful. So I took a few minutes yesterday to notice my own thought patterns and you know what I found?
That I spent massive chunks of time rehearsing in my head for scenarios that will probably never happen.
Often they’re mundane like what will I tell the computer repair man (in Italian) when he asks me what’s wrong with my computer.
But other times they’re rehearsals fro potential confrontations.
And you know, they’re both based in fear.
I’m afraid that I might stumble on my words and look like an idiot even though this is not even my second or third but FOURTH foreign language so I’m clearly not an idiot.
Or I’m afraid that I won’t be able to stand my ground or defend myself in a way that I’ll be proud of later.
In either case, I don’t trust myself. I think that’s why we don’t give ourselves grace after major upheavals. We don’t trust ourselves.
Maybe we made the wrong choice and that’s what got us in the big ass mess in the first place. We lose faith in our judgments and intuition and rely on easy confirmations.
Societal, familial, or romantic standards that are easy to check our choices against. And unfortunately, grace isn’t exactly real high up on the priority list in most of Western culture.
Through life’s major shit storms we are offered the most profound opportunities to shift and grow. But when we feel lost and need external confirmation, we miss out big time.
It’s funny but I have an easier time trusting the universe when everything in my life is blown to smithereens than I do in the mundane aftermath of rebuilding.
But this is the part that’s so crucial! Baby steps. Rebuilding. Integrating the new you and folding it in with what’s leftover from the old you. That takes so much courage. And SO much effort.
Why do we want to skip over all that? Is it the instant gratification of the Before and After shots? If it the uncomfortable middle Brene Brown talks about? or C, All of the above?
Here’s what I say, and I know I’m not alone. Glorify the Process. Give yourself the grace. Value the inner work as much as the outer accomplishments. And seriously fuck any lingering need for external approval. It’s not easy, I know. But it’s essential.
I’m talking to myself and anyone else who needs to hear this today. I enjoy living my life with conviction and courage. I love FEELING (hello, ♋️ over here 👋) the beauties of life. That means feeling the icky and the awful and yes, the boring too.
I’ve had to have a lot of check ins with myself in the last couple years. My world got pretty rocked and my priorities obviously shifted big time.
I’ve had to sit with my journal for days scribbling stream of consciousness bullshit just to remember what my dreams actually are.
But they are still there, floating below the surface, waiting for me to remember, to prioritize them again in a new context, and begin the process (again) of bring them into material form.
So I have to give myself grace or I won’t have the endurance to do it. I have to trust myself or I’ll never have the confidence keep putting myself out there as a writer, despite the potential for a lack of reception or outright rejection.
And I have to stop rehearsing scenarios in my head, seriously. Even daydreaming is better than that. WAY better.
So on that note, here’s your challenge: Really stop and think for a second right now. When was the last time you went through a major change? Did you give yourself the grace to move through as you needed afterwards? Or did you feel like you had to process it on someone else’s terms? Are you still living in the shadow of that change? Do you trust yourself?
Most importantly, what’s one thing you can do to shift your mind and harness your own power, starting today? You don’t need to comment or message or share. Just think to yourself what that one thing is. And then do it.
