Why does choosing joy need to be a conscious decision? And why is it even more important when we’re deep in the trenches of motherhood?? Well, I’ll tell you. But first, let me tell you a story involving a case of the Mom Blues and a terrifying little Google search, and why I had to mother effing dig to find that joy in the first place.I’ll be honest, being a stay at home mom bores me to tears.
I love my son but I don’t love reading the same six page board book 900 times in a row. Nor do I thrive off schedules that set up Mondays for painting and Tuesdays for going to the park, etc. And I can only play peek-a-boo for about 10 minutes before my brain starts to twitch.
But the reality (for now) really is staying at home. Legally, I can’t work outside the home here even if I wanted to.
I don’t really have friends in Italy yet, nor did I in Argentina so it’s been a pretty lonely year. And some days are harder than others. Last week I hit a low point. I hated everything about my job as a mom. I hated night nursing. I hated meal prep. I hated the constant attention, early nights, and lackluster weekends.
I hated that life had so fundamentally changed and I missed my former self so much it hurt.
And so I turned to Google. Help, I hate being a mom, I typed. I felt guilty even seeing those words on the screen. Guilty, but kinda relieved too.
I don’t remember which link I clicked, some anonymous mother’s confession about regretting becoming a mother. But it wasn’t her confession that was so terrifying. It was the commentary.
Hundreds and hundreds of mothers commented that they felt the same way.
Whew, I’m not alone! I thought.
There were mothers who were struggling, like me, moms who admitted they let their partner pressure them into having kids, single moms who had no help or breaks or moms with deadbeat partners. But also moms who confessed they wanted to leave their families, even two women who admitted they were suicidal… Moms who said they didn’t love their kids anymore.
I actually had to stop reading. Never has the feeling of inclusion, of not being alone with how you feel, felt so shitty. Even the idea that my inability to process my Big Changes (unplanned motherhood, #1 on life’s curve balls thus far), could lead not only to isolation and depression, but deep, bitter resentment too?
I had to snap out of it. I had to change my attitude. I had to dig as deep as I had to dig but I was not going to let this comparatively less exciting period of life make me resent my child. I could not imagine my baby growing up knowing his mom was happier before he came around. The adult that would create is disturbing.
Pre-motherhood life maybe feels like a dream looking back, (oh the sleep, the freedom, the adventures!) but I know it wasn’t (still restless, still circling the edge of isolation and ambivalence). I was ready for a big change.
This is what I have to remind myself when I start feeling funky and bored:
That life has been distilled down to much smaller moments, but they are no less alive than the big, wild ones of before, no less full of joy.
The feeling of my son’s fuzzy little head under my cheek as I read that board book, the challenge of actually making (and keeping) a routine, his goofy squinty-eyed laughter when he pops his face out from behind the couch.
The joy is still there, it just looks a lot different now. Softer, sweeter, and more innocent.
Motherhood is full of moments like these. Life under a microscope, life on repeat. We have to put conscious effort into things that came so effortlessly before. But I believe the rewards are still there, still pulsing with vibrant live-me-to-the-fullest kind of energy.
Maybe it looks different and we definitely have to work a little harder to find it sometimes. But when we connect to that source of joy, of life, it doesn’t feel different.
Happiness may not be ever present but joy can be. Through big changes and life’s upheavals, as well as the mind-numbing, sleep-deprived moments of motherhood, we often have to choose to find the glittering pieces of joy. And that choice has power.
Choosing joy is what brings magic into the mundane.
It’s intentional, not accidental. Through joy, we reconnect with our selves. We begin to recognize ourselves again after the upheaval of big change. It’s deep and meaningful. It’s more than feeling happy.
The practice of choosing joy chases away the shadows of resentment and allows acceptance to root and love to grow. We need this in our personal lives, in our families, in our communities, and in our world.
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