I got such an overwhelming response from my post about choosing joy (aw thanks!), that I decided to roll with it. So part 2 is- what does it really mean to be present? And why is it even more important to consciously choose to be present in the moments when it just feels so much better to check out? If being present is particularly challenging for you (and it is for all of us when we’re triggered), check out these breathing techniques designed to keep your anxiety or other big feels in check and keep you grounded in the present moment.
So lets start off by clarifying exactly what I’m talking about when I say we need to be present.
I mean being conscious of our thoughts and emotions. I mean sitting with the icky feelings and the swirling-down-the-toilet thoughts and noticing without judgment what is going on inside our heads and hearts.
Yes, it’s important to “be present” in general (Chop Wood, Carry Water, right?) but thoughts and emotions steer our whole ship. They’re incredibly powerful, often even more so when we’re shoving them away, which is of course what we would all rather do when things get uncomfortable. Who wants to stew in that?
Well on second thought, sometimes I do. Especially in that intoxicating brew of self-pity and loneliness. As the emotions get real thick and sticky and raw, the more it tends to get real good and satisfying and it gets harder and hardeer to get out.
But the truth is, no matter how justified you feel doing it you can’t stay there stewing in the funk. It feels kinda gross after awhile.
I used to have this inextinguishable passion for life but since I got pregnant and had Leo, that fire has been only barely smoldering. I’m often sad, lonely, disconnected, and angry. I am often not the mom I wanted to be.
And worse, I’m almost never the woman I want to be. I get stuck thinking about who I used to be or who I thought I’d become and the comparison just kills my joy every single time.
And that’s when you have to get out of that emotional stewpot and choose to be present.
1. We need to be present because not one of us knows what’s going to happen tomorrow.
Last week we had to take Leo to the hospital. He’s ok but we ended up spending nine hours in the pediatric unit. I just wanted it to be over. Aside from not feeling well myself and being worried for my kid, it created a very uncomfortable mix of feelings in me that I couldn’t quite identify.
As we drove home, I realized that parents of children with serious and terminal illnesses don’t take one single moment of life with their little one for granted. Not a damn one. Not when the moment they have is different than the one they thought they’d have. Not when that moment is painful or hard or boring.
Because they know something much more intimately than the rest of us: there is no reassurance of the future.
Those of us who don’t have to live on the edge, looking disease or the possibility of death in the eye every single day, we can afford to live in the blissful illusion that we have plenty of time.
We muck around in the past or fret about the future. We wallow in self-pity, get stuck and unstuck, and take things for granted. But the reality is that we don’t have plenty of time.
No one does.
So for the rest of the week after the hospital trip, I decided to really be present . And you know what? It sucked.
I floated between absolute break-me-down loneliness, to soul-sucking disconnect, to anger that I felt ripping through my being like red-hot fissures. I had a head-throbbing sinus infection. I wasn’t sleeping because Leo was also sick and teething molars. I felt like shit and I hated everyone.
I finally broke down crying when I couldn’t eat the toast my partner made me because it was too crunchy and the sounds make my head feel like it was exploding. I literally cried over toast.
But I sat with it. Those emotions. The crap I felt and then the new crap I felt in response to the original crap I felt. And eventually something shifted.
Paying attention to it all made me realize who I really want to be with this wild and beautiful gift of life.
I want to be the woman who lives life with her eyes wide open and chooses to be so happy despite the bullshit that you can see it sparkling out of my eyes. Every. Single. Damn. Day. Even if it’s just five minutes.
But then I thought, how do I do that?
2. When you’re present, really paying attention to your emotions, your actions, your goals, and how they’re aligning, you’re giving them value and validity.
You’re giving your own self value and validity. That’s how you find those five minutes of pure joy. It’s how your joy doesn’t get lost in the physical reality of motherhood and life in general.
It’s only when you know what matters, really truly deeply matters, that you can pour your energy into it.
I learned a really important lesson back when I ran my own swimsuit company in Costa Rica and that is that if you don’t fiercely love the hell out of what’s important to you, you can be damn certain no one else will either.
Validating and cherishing your values and goals doesn’t guarantee anyone else will, but the truth is that no one else needs to.
You are responsible for your goals, dreams, and state of being. You are responsible for your own success, happiness, and traumas. And being present is just about the only way to take that notice and responsibility seriously.
3. Being present helps you reconnect to what makes you happy or sad or anxious.
When you’re present, you’re not spinning out or convincing yourself that some drastic move will solve your problem. You’re noticing what made you feel bad or good. You’re noticing the thoughts or external events that trigger those feelings.
And most importantly you’re tapping into your sources of joy so that next time you’re down you know exactly how to access them and pull yourself out of a funk a little quicker.
Which is insanely important.
How can you be the woman you want to be, to live your best life, when you don’t know how to reconnect to what gives your life meaning? When you don’t know how to get out of an emotional funk?
It’s so hard to be efficient and loving when you feel bad. It’s so hard to love on others when you’re not loving yourelf.
We all stretch ourselves too thin and know exactly how this feels. We’re burned out and we yell at our kids. We get resentful, feeling like our partner isn’t helping out enough with the kids and we pick a fight over what to eat for dinner. You know the drill. We all do.
And afterwards, it doesn’t feel very good. After all, we love them, and we want to show them we love them. Being present helps with that too.
4. By being present you’re showing the people in your life that you care.
There is no more valuable currency than your attention. Internet marketers know this. Social media moguls and influencers know this. You know this.
When we pay attention to what we’re paying attention to, it doesn’t feel like time has flown. It doesn’t feel like we’re out of control or that there’s nothing we can do about the things that bother us.
And most important, by paying attention to what’s bothering us and asking questionns, going deeper, we can often get to the root of the problem and have a drama-free conversation about that rather than yelling about how you can’t handle one more night of Pinterest-diving for easy recipes an hour before dinnertime.
5. By choosing to be present, you earn the invaluable qualities of confidence and perspective.
When you feel good about something you did or how you handled a particularly sticky situation, it boosts your confidence. When you get far enough past the breakdown, you can see it for the breakthrough it was.
Confidence and perspective often go hand in hand.
Knowing that what matters to you matters period, no matter what anyone else says, will lift you up and give you the confidence you may be lacking to voice your needs. Maybe that means getting extra help with the kids. Maybe that means getting wild in the sack. Maybe it means just running errands by yourself.
When you have confidence in yourself and you trust the process, it takes the sting out of the trigger and helps you deal with those prickly moments with a greater sense of calm and integrity. And like confidence, being present is a muscle that gets stronger and more refind the more you flex it.
6. Being present creates a positively reinforced cycle.
When you see something works, you do it more. And the more present you are in each moment, really living, not just going through life, you become familiar with its cycles.
The truth is, we all know life isn’t prefect. But when we’re present, we can see all the imperfections, including our own, for what they really are: perfectly human and perfectly beautiful. And the more you notice, the more you notice.
The more joy you bring into your life, the more joy you bring into your home. Your conscious choice to be present will inspire others. Everything you do has little ripple effects. Imagine breathing life, love, peace, and joy into our home and work.
When you live by example, not just giving lip service to ideas you like. You’re giving them physical form, meaning, and context and you inspire other to do the same.
I don’t know about you, but just that is reason enough for me.
Want more inspiring tips and stories for mindfulness and personal growth? Head over to my Instagram! I post something to llift you up and inspire you to bring your best self to the moments that matter every day. Plus you’ll get a heavy dose of wanderlust-inspiring views of the Italian countryside.
